alice and life

Symonds St was blocked this afternoon by a few hundred University of Auckland students protesting against the Budget 2012 announced in Parliament today.

As much as I am sympathetic to the rising costs of education - education is one of the things that NZ is really lagging behind in, and especially investment into the universities themselves - and how difficult student life can often be, I can’t help but think that some of the protesting action is a little unjustified or, certainly, a bit misplaced.

First, I query just how many people protesting are affected by the proposed changes. I personally know a handful of students in the crowd who don’t have any student debt because mummy and daddy pays for their tertiary education. Surely some people protest just for the sake of protesting - like it’s a cool or hip thing to do. To quote a stranger: “I feel like I should be protesting too because I’m an Arts student”. WHAT!? They might not actually know what the changes actually do (other than the fact that it’s “bad” for students) or how it might personally affected them.

But screw it, all power to the students and the masses.

The second thing I want to challenge is for students to actually put their university degrees to use. Any abled body can protest, but you have a tertiary education that is an ‘honour’ bestowed on a small proportion of society. So go put it to use. Write a compelling article for the local newspaper. Convince people why education counts, rather than just saying that it does. Tell the government why their resource allocation choices should be the way you want it to be.

Find out why rather than being stuck at what.

Or even better, go on to be a millionaire and donate some of your wealth to poor but passionate students just like yourself. Oh but wait, you’re a millionaire now and you don’t care about who you used to be.

The third thing that irks me a little is the creeping culture of entitlement. We are not entitled to everything that we want, but we sometimes think that we do. I read an article by Mai Chen recently who mentioned the different cultural perceptions of education and the way we respond to it. I think part of the reason why people from Asian cultures have such a crazy work ethic is that there is no concept of “deserving” or “entitled to”. You either get the thing you want through your own efforts and hard work, or you don’t. 

Do something different about it. Convince people that you are a good investment to society.

One of the many things that I am admittedly (and there are probably just as many, if not more, things that I won’t admit to being) terrible at is understanding my own limits.

I am someone who will insist, and very genuinely and honestly insist, that I am fine in situations where I am not.

Managing my workload is one of those situations: I will never admit that I am too busy. 

I had a peek at my calendar for last week, and counted 80 hours of being “occupied” - hours that do not include the time spent writing essays at home in the evenings but the hours spent in lectures or in a meeting or where I’m ‘clocked in’ at work.

Somehow 80 hour weeks no longer sound as scary anymore when you’ve just unknowingly powered through one yourself.

The thing is, you might not feel “too busy” but you become “too busy” in other ways - to the people around you, to the commitments that you are constantly rescheduling or pushing back. You also become “too busy” in your mind when you multi-task, and the way you skip meals because there’s no time and eat as if it were a race.

An eighty hour week is true insanity when you are completely oblivious to it creeping up on you. 

Quite a few people have this distorted perception that I have my life totally sorted. People seem to take “I don’t know” and “I have no idea what I’m doing right now” as completely unacceptable answers to any question they ask, and they insist that I be “honest” with them and tell them the 100 Year Plan of how I’m going to chase my big, big dreams.

This aforementioned plan does not exist.

In fact, I have no plan whatsoever.

When I was much, much younger, I used to really look up to university students because they seemed like they had sorted out their life out so well. They knew what they wanted to do and they were out there actually doing it. They were going to be successful people with successful personal lives and I wanted to be just like them.

My life was going to be awesome.

I don’t really have “big” dreams, but people don’t really want to hear about that. Sure, I have interests and things that I care about or enjoy doing - I love teaching, I love listening to music in large empty outdoor spaces, and I love eating out - but that’s boring stuff.

People want headlines: youth advocate! Aspiring litigator! A champion of alternative education!

I am sorry to say that four years of university study has brought me no closer to answering the question of: what do I really want to do with my life? 

And when I feel like I’m failing at life by not having this grandiose plan of the future mapped out in extreme detail and precision, please take my story with a grain of salt in an attempt to appease your disappointment of understanding just how average my life really is on the inside.

I feel incomplete,

when you disappear from me - 

water bottle cap :(

Over the past few years, I’ve had some incredible conversations with people that have really shaped the way I see the world and the way I live my life.

Here are some of the snippets of advice and experiences that I have taken on board, and which I think represent who I am today and the way I do what I do:

1. Do things with a smile - if the task is inevitable, you might as well make yourself feel better (or make someone else feel good) doing it.
2. Never take yourself too seriously - no matter how ‘important’ or ‘awesome’ you think you are. Serious people are boring.
3. Open up your senses - eat slowly; stop taking pictures and enjoy the atmosphere; smell the roses.
4. Value your friends - commit to spending quality time with them and never be too ‘busy’.
5. Find something that makes your eyes sparkle - the thing that makes you really excited.
6. Be around people who make you want to DO things - the people that give you energy and share your enthusiasm (even though they have no idea what you’re on about sometimes).
7. Forget about the ‘competition’ - you can only achieve what you are capable of achieving, and go with the confidence that you can go far.
8. Look good to feel good - I am guilty of wearing my pajamas out of the house too much. Sometimes looking the part gives you just the right kick you need.
9. Do things with a bit of fight - and always be present.
10. Sit at the table - even when you don’t feel good enough.
11. Find joy in simple, maybe even mundane, things - I really enjoy the time that I spend on moving things: aeroplanes, trains, buses, long car rides .etc because I find that it really helps clear the mind.
12. Find a favourite writer, musician, artist - it keeps you sane.
13. Never limit yourself - thinking too far ahead can be a scary exercise but never close doors for yourself (unless of course you need to close doors to open new ones!).
14. Talk to people - friends, family, new people, old people, strangers, the person that makes you your coffee every morning. There are so many interesting and incredible stories just waiting to be uncovered.
15. Aspire to be like the person you look up to and respect - and not for a job or salary bracket.
16. Write thank you cards - and always be grateful for the people who have helped and looked out for you.
17. Never be too big, nor too small - never think that you are ‘above’ someone else just because you have achieved x, y and z, and also never think that you are below someone who has achieved x, y and z.
18. Be frugal, but also have fun spending your money - see money as a means to an end, and spend it on the things that make you (and other people) happy.
19. Believe in something - whether it be a religion, karma, or in another person. I have a rather strong but probably irrational belief that things will always work out for the better. 
20. Come to terms with yourself and who you are - knowing your limits and understanding what is truly important to you is one of the most gratifying and freeing experiences.
21. Prioritise your time - death is the greatest gift to life, so really prioritise the things that matter to you: for me, these are my relationships.

Some people use death (what would you do if you knew you were to die tomorrow?) to help them make difficult choices in life. I always think about it in terms of regret - would I regret doing this, or not doing this, ten, twenty or thirty years down the track? It makes the temporary pain bearable (finishing my law degree is the prime example of this) and it stops fear from speaking for you.

We are individually small, but I believe we can all do big things.

I’ve been doing a terrible job of keeping up with my posts recently because writing a post seems to presuppose some kind of moment of understanding or resolution in my life, and those moments have been very few and far between recently.

I spent the majority of last week flying between Auckland and Melbourne, and then Auckland to Sydney, for a series of interviews with a global management consulting firm.

4 days spent in Australia later, I came back home with a generous scholarship and a number of decisions waiting to be made.

Never, in my life, have I ever thought that I would break the six-figure salary mark in my first job out of university. In the sense that my current value to a company could ever be worth such a fanciful amount - I’m still as naive, clumsy and indecisive as I’ve ever been.

But there it is, on the table, eyeing up my pen greedily and tempting me with all the excitement of a new romance. 

I went into the process with no expectations but also no limitations. I was a goldfish in a giant goldfish bowl, but not knowing how big (or small) I was or could be. 

On the flight back home, I remember thinking to myself that although this is a hugely significant event in my life, it doesn’t really feel like my life has changed in any significant way. There may be events that make you feel big and important, and people who might then see you as being bigger and more important, but it seems like no matter how high I might try and climb - I’ll still feel like a small fry (and probably wondering if I’m secretly the recruiting error).

Still, it makes for a pretty good early birthday present, knowing that there are still stars that I can reach.